For some of us desire is easier. For some of us love is easier. You can have a happy relationship with only one, but rest assured the other is being met elsewhere, even if only in ones imagination. When we can allow both to exist at the same time for the same person, we have the kind of relationship that blows our minds it’s so good.
Unfortunately we are not taught that we can have both. Puritan culture seems to limit love to missionary with the lights off and quickly throws desire into the dumpster of sin. There it eats all the naughty fantasies that are thrown away by media, culture, and personal, gaining strength and power in the dark, damp, evil garden of desire.
This leads people to cheat, watch porn, silently obsess over others, go to strip clubs looking for attention, massage parlors looking for release, bars looking for the next best thing, Tinder looking for validation. The list goes on. It’s happening everywhere but the general populous would rather get divorce after divorce then work together to heal the vicious cycle of unseen, suppressed, unmet, out of control desire.
You can turn this desire monster into a powerhouse of creative & sexual energy for both you and your partner to enjoy.
If you grew up not feeling safe being loved or with confusion around love and desire in your childhood this can be a challenge. Maybe you or your partner was never unconditionally loved so that feels foreign. Maybe they were taught that desire is the devil. Most people are terrified of desire instead of in relationship with it.
You don’t know what programs are running until you start looking at them. Everyone has shit to deal with, what matters is you and your partner are willing to face it.
I was recently working with a couple who had a story I see often. She felt deeply in love with him but also not frequently sexually attracted especially when he focused his creative purpose on her. He felt very sexually attracted to her and when she wasn’t feeling sexual attraction he got more needy trying to get the attraction. He was putting more energy on getting her sexual desire and less on his career which would be the piece that would ignite her desire. She is left feeling suffocated and guilty. He is left feeling clingy and frustrated. The love is there but the desire is causing conflict.
Through some very specific exercises they experienced being in desire for one another. I had him focus on his work that he had been neglecting. At first he felt like he was ignoring her, yet she felt free and spacious. She was completely honest about what actually turned her on for the first time, instead of placating him with pity sex. Now he’s charged by her honest attraction, and doesn’t feel the need to cling because he can tell she’s hot for him.
Love takes one kind of nurturing and desire takes what can feel like the opposite kind of nurturing. Bring awareness and give attention to both. Look at what makes you feel desire for your partner vs. what makes you feel love.
Give your partner a hug and kiss of love.
Give your partner a hug and kiss of desire.
Share how each feels in your body.
Know the difference. 🙂